I feel like I could type and type and type,
or write and write and write and fill pages and pages,
with thoughts and feelings that are going 7 million different ways.
None of it makes any sense to me, so I'm sure it wont make any sense to you.
I can't even slow my mind down enough to figure out what I want to say.
The one thing that doesn't change is my Love for Brian.
I woke up at 4:30am crying.
I should have known how this day would go.
However I think that today is the first day I allowed myself to feel anything since December 16th.
I am emotionally drained at this point.
But I suppose that I did this all to myself.
I was so tired of everything that I just pushed it as far away as possible.
Only problem with that is that I don't have a whole lot anything to bury myself into right now to distract myself.
I just decided to pretend that I was okay with everything and that some day I would just forget everything I pushed away.
Now its creeping back up on me, and things that normally don't bother me, cause me to break down.
Instead of just stuffing it away today I let it wash over me.
I cried and cried and cried, until I didn't think that I could cry anymore.
I talked to Brian.
I talked to my mom.
And I cried and cried and cried.
I want to start my family.
I want my babies now.
I know it will happen but I just can't sit here and pretend that it is all okay anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way.
I am jealous of everyone I know having babies.
I am so sad and happy and a whole mess of other emotions for all of my friends.
I've tried to keep it together. I've tried to remind myself that one day I will have my perfect little family.
One day I will have a house full of toys, a couple of beautiful children underfoot.
That will happen.
But I wont lie and say that every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy or go into labor and have there babies, I don't feel any sadness or pain or that little empty spot in my heart ache for what they have.
I need to let myself cry and work through these emotions.
This will all make me stronger.
But right now I am feeling a little weak.
Natalie recommended a beautiful song by Shelly Fraley called "on her way"
It's pretty much my life story in a 3 minute song. And I definately think that her taste in music makes me like her just a little more..
P.S. I love new friendships
P.P.S I love my man.
or write and write and write and fill pages and pages,
with thoughts and feelings that are going 7 million different ways.
None of it makes any sense to me, so I'm sure it wont make any sense to you.
I can't even slow my mind down enough to figure out what I want to say.
The one thing that doesn't change is my Love for Brian.
I woke up at 4:30am crying.
I should have known how this day would go.
However I think that today is the first day I allowed myself to feel anything since December 16th.
I am emotionally drained at this point.
But I suppose that I did this all to myself.
I was so tired of everything that I just pushed it as far away as possible.
Only problem with that is that I don't have a whole lot anything to bury myself into right now to distract myself.
I just decided to pretend that I was okay with everything and that some day I would just forget everything I pushed away.
Now its creeping back up on me, and things that normally don't bother me, cause me to break down.
Instead of just stuffing it away today I let it wash over me.
I cried and cried and cried, until I didn't think that I could cry anymore.
I talked to Brian.
I talked to my mom.
And I cried and cried and cried.
I want to start my family.
I want my babies now.
I know it will happen but I just can't sit here and pretend that it is all okay anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way.
I am jealous of everyone I know having babies.
I am so sad and happy and a whole mess of other emotions for all of my friends.
I've tried to keep it together. I've tried to remind myself that one day I will have my perfect little family.
One day I will have a house full of toys, a couple of beautiful children underfoot.
That will happen.
But I wont lie and say that every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy or go into labor and have there babies, I don't feel any sadness or pain or that little empty spot in my heart ache for what they have.
I need to let myself cry and work through these emotions.
This will all make me stronger.
But right now I am feeling a little weak.
Natalie recommended a beautiful song by Shelly Fraley called "on her way"
It's pretty much my life story in a 3 minute song. And I definately think that her taste in music makes me like her just a little more..
P.S. I love new friendships
P.P.S I love my man.
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