Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Almost two months ago, I watched my whole world crumble around me. As the dust began to settle I didn't recognize anything around me, and I still don't. I still don't know much, and every time I try to make sense of things, new information comes out.

I watched people walk out of my life, I cried, I was angry and I felt all alone. But there is now one thing I have figured out. The people who walked out, don't deserve to be in my life, if you can't be there for me in the worst moments, why should you get to be there during the best?

while I cried over the ones who walked away, I should have realized what matters is who walks into my life with honest intentions. Those are the people I love and care for, they are the ones I will be friends with when I am 80, the ones I can cry to, and laugh with, and not worry if they will walk out of my life. They are people who I would do anything for and expect nothing in return, and I know it would be the same on their end.

I don't know how I am going to make it through the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year. What I do know is I have people to help me figure it out, and I don't think I could ask for anything more(except for my sister coming home.)

Happy Birthday little sister.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I still can't believe it's been 6 weeks since you passed away. It feels like yesterday, and I just don't feel like this will get any easier. I have so many questions and barely any answers. I feel sad, angry, anxious, confusion and a thousand other things. And as badly as I want to lay in bed and cry and watch awful reality tv shows, or private practice dvds, I can't always do that. You wouldn't want me to do that, and so I find a way to get out of bed, get myself ready for the day, even if all I do is stay home. I search and search for a distraction hoping that even one minute of my day will allow my mind to slow. If that minute does come around I just hope that something about you, or a memory will float through me and make me smile, instead of making me want to drop to my knees and beg for you back.

You would be proud though, I've picked up my camera and done a few shoots, and usually for a moment or two my mind is quiet. I usually come home and look through the photos, and instinctively I pick up the phone to call you, or open up your email to send you one or two, but your phone number belongs to someone else now, and your email is closed. That's when I fall apart, let it out, then put myself back together to make it through a few more hours.

You would also be proud to know I've opened up to a couple of people. I know you always worry about me, especially about the fact that I put everyone before myself. I tell you everything so you already know. But you always tell me sooner or later I am going to have to let someone in, and I have, and they are wonderful people. Friends I can cry to, talk to, even when I feel like I'm not making any sense, trust, and most importantly they don't treat me any different. They tell me about their days, and we talk about all kinds of things, and if the time is right we talk about you, and at the end of the day they are still here, they still care about me for me.

Here are a few products of my distractions.

Monday, March 21, 2011

You're gone.

My world is completely shattered.

So many worlds are shattered.

I've never felt so alone.



I've also never felt so much, but nothing at all, all at the same time.

I miss you.

90% of the time it doesn't feel real, and the times it does, it is so overwhelming.

So much happened that night, and when I think about it I feel like I'm drowning.

It shouldn't have been you, it shouldn't have been anyone. 

It makes me lose faith in people, it makes me hate people, it makes me angry with the world.

I think and I think and I think, and the more we find out the more I hate it.

I never thought I could feel so angry.

I hope their days are consumed by what they did.

I hope it haunts them.

You are my inspiration, my motivation, you always will be. But now that you aren't here, all the things you pushed me to do. My photography, my painting, my writing, I'm struggling with it.

You knew the right things to say at just the right time.

You are beautiful, intelligent, have the world in the palm of your hand.

You would have changed the world.

You changed so many peoples worlds, even people you talked to for an hour, for 15 minutes, in 2 days you changed so many people.

You did change the world.

You changed my world.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


When I was a kid I hated that my birthday was on New Years Day. I didn't care that it was interesting that I was the first baby born in Arizona on Jan 1st 1987, I was too busy feeling sad that most people didn't remember my birthday because it fell over Christmas break and I could never have a party until like two weeks after school started up again.

Since I've gotten older I think it's pretty awesome. It's a whole new year on all accounts for me, not only because it's a new year for everyone but because I'm a whole year older!

This year I have a few plans on what I want to accomplish:
Get my photography business off the ground.
Document this year through pictures.
Love unconditionally.
Get rid of anything that causes drama in my life, even if it means losing people in the process.
Run everyday.
Go to Seattle.
Appreciate everything I have.

Friday, November 5, 2010


6 years ago today my life changed forever. I lost one of my very close friends Josh to suicide.

I remember everything about that day like it just happened yesterday. I remember two days prior he was backstage in the makeup room with his infectious smile making everyone laugh, I got one of his famous hugs and went about my day. I remember being in the lighting booth Friday night anxiously awaiting intermission so that I could go down and see my friends, when all of a sudden intermission is canceled and we are told to continue on with the show. All of a sudden this feeling that something is not right washes over me and while I tried to stay in the booth I couldn't, I walked downstairs and out into the lobby to find Mrs.Idler walking around. I asked her what was going on and she told me I would find out after the show, I become increasingly more anxious and tell her that if she does not tell me what is going on that I will walk out and never come back. And all of a sudden my world is crashing down around me.

It was unlike anything I have ever felt before, all these emotions are running through my body, but at the same time I felt entirely numb. I walked back to find Michelle on the floor in the drama hallway sobbing, I walked over to her and sat down and cried with her for what felt like forever. I went into the makeup room to talk to others and my mom came back and said there was someone outside that needed someone to talk to. I had only met Jason a couple times before, and he was standing there sobbing telling me he didn't believe it, so he drove to Josh's house and after talking to his parents, didn't know where to go and just ended up at the school. I didn't know what to say, we just stood there hugging each other and at that moment it all felt real. I don't know how long we stood there hugging each other, and it was an odd feeling to completely fall apart in the arms of someone I hardly knew, but I also felt very safe. I will always remember those moments, and I will always remember him, and I can go back to that time as if it just happened.

Somewhere along the line that night we ended up at IHOP. I hadn't stopped crying since I found out, and there were people that hadn't been there that night. Katie Lacher, now Katie Nelson, was at a wedding I believe that night. She knew Josh well and no one wanted to call and tell her, they were going to wait until the following day to let her know, and not ruin her evening. That didn't sit right with me, or a few others, but no one wanted to make that call. I remember standing in the parking lot of IHOP shaking so much and crying, a few of my closest friends around me as I called Katie. I don't know if she will read this or not, but I will never forget that phone call, or waiting in the parking lot for her to show up, or hugging her when she got there. It was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't sleep that night, and didn't sleep much that entire week.

I remember how many people showed up to the funeral, how many lives he had touched and how many people loved him. But also how many people just wanted to be apart of the situation like it was some kind of sick game, they wanted to be involved in the tragedy and said so many things that weren't true by any means. I yelled at two girls for crying just so they could get attention when they admitted that they didn't know Josh at all. When Brian lost Sarah he said that same things happened. People who didn't know Sarah acted like they were her best friend, people he didn't know came up to him and acted like his best friend. And that just makes me sick.

The pain never really goes away. But I remember all of the amazing times I had with him, all of the ways he bettered my life, and what I took away from this horrible tragedy. I miss him with all of my heart, and always will, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I carry a piece of him with me everyday and enjoy the small things in life more then I used too. And I know he is always watching over me, I know that he wants us to be joking around and living life to the fullest, and so I do just that.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Dear ASU,

You certainly are sneaky.
You had me CONVINCED that last semester was going to be the worst.
You allowed me a month of time with Brian, sure it was great, but 3 weeks of that were spent recovering from surgery.
But that was okay because this semester I would get to spend my evenings with him, and we would eat dinner and cuddle in bed watching whatever was on TV or in the DVD player.
And all would be right again.
But no, why would that happen?
It just so happens that this semester is WORSE then last semester.
You have stolen him from me again.
If he isn't at work, he is on his computer working on PayPal stuff.
There is no cuddling and TV watching.
You take all of his money.
And I am left sleeping alone.
He might as well be engaged to you instead of me.
But I will prevail, because I make him happy.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I am

I am:

Quick Witted
Incredibly Intelligent
Emotional to a fault
Addicted to cupcakes
Not afraid to love
A girl who cries at silly things because the big things are too hard.
A fighter.
Head over heels for a boy named Brian.
Someone who will do anything for a friend or family member. Probably even a stranger
Not afraid to show my scar.
A girl who sings in the car everywhere.
A girl who listens to the same song on repeat for hours just because.
I think I bleed creativity.
A painter.
A photographer.
Stronger then most people think.
obsessed with dresses, skirts, headbands and purses.
only able to sleep well when it's raining. I live in the wrong state.
a frequent puddle jumper and rain dancer :)
Capable of finding something good and beautiful in every situation.
hoping for a better and brighter future everyday
unsure what I want to be when I grow big
very passionate about kids and animals. anytime they are hurt or neglected it breaks my heart.

I am also:
worried about the future
dreading my next surgery
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often.
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often over the hate in the world. and the fact that people are so unaccepting.
unable to completely ever accept myself.
confused why people leave so much.
confused why people pretend to be my friend for whatever reason.

But I do know one thing
confidence can take you when nerves try to shake you from going all the way