JDM

6 years ago today my life changed forever. I lost one of my very close friends Josh to suicide.

I remember everything about that day like it just happened yesterday. I remember two days prior he was backstage in the makeup room with his infectious smile making everyone laugh, I got one of his famous hugs and went about my day. I remember being in the lighting booth Friday night anxiously awaiting intermission so that I could go down and see my friends, when all of a sudden intermission is canceled and we are told to continue on with the show. All of a sudden this feeling that something is not right washes over me and while I tried to stay in the booth I couldn't, I walked downstairs and out into the lobby to find Mrs.Idler walking around. I asked her what was going on and she told me I would find out after the show, I become increasingly more anxious and tell her that if she does not tell me what is going on that I will walk out and never come back. And all of a sudden my world is crashing down around me.

It was unlike anything I have ever felt before, all these emotions are running through my body, but at the same time I felt entirely numb. I walked back to find Michelle on the floor in the drama hallway sobbing, I walked over to her and sat down and cried with her for what felt like forever. I went into the makeup room to talk to others and my mom came back and said there was someone outside that needed someone to talk to. I had only met Jason a couple times before, and he was standing there sobbing telling me he didn't believe it, so he drove to Josh's house and after talking to his parents, didn't know where to go and just ended up at the school. I didn't know what to say, we just stood there hugging each other and at that moment it all felt real. I don't know how long we stood there hugging each other, and it was an odd feeling to completely fall apart in the arms of someone I hardly knew, but I also felt very safe. I will always remember those moments, and I will always remember him, and I can go back to that time as if it just happened.

Somewhere along the line that night we ended up at IHOP. I hadn't stopped crying since I found out, and there were people that hadn't been there that night. Katie Lacher, now Katie Nelson, was at a wedding I believe that night. She knew Josh well and no one wanted to call and tell her, they were going to wait until the following day to let her know, and not ruin her evening. That didn't sit right with me, or a few others, but no one wanted to make that call. I remember standing in the parking lot of IHOP shaking so much and crying, a few of my closest friends around me as I called Katie. I don't know if she will read this or not, but I will never forget that phone call, or waiting in the parking lot for her to show up, or hugging her when she got there. It was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't sleep that night, and didn't sleep much that entire week.

I remember how many people showed up to the funeral, how many lives he had touched and how many people loved him. But also how many people just wanted to be apart of the situation like it was some kind of sick game, they wanted to be involved in the tragedy and said so many things that weren't true by any means. I yelled at two girls for crying just so they could get attention when they admitted that they didn't know Josh at all. When Brian lost Sarah he said that same things happened. People who didn't know Sarah acted like they were her best friend, people he didn't know came up to him and acted like his best friend. And that just makes me sick.

The pain never really goes away. But I remember all of the amazing times I had with him, all of the ways he bettered my life, and what I took away from this horrible tragedy. I miss him with all of my heart, and always will, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I carry a piece of him with me everyday and enjoy the small things in life more then I used too. And I know he is always watching over me, I know that he wants us to be joking around and living life to the fullest, and so I do just that.