Sunday, May 31, 2009

Dear You

Some days I feel as though everything is falling apart. Like one year ago this next month ruined everything in my life. I braved the days and held myself together for a long time. I wish I never found out that having children was not in the cards for me, for us. I carry a guilt and a sorrow, not only for myself, but for you as well. I am sorry everyday for the fact that I won't be able to give you you're child. One that is you and me. But I find comfort in the fact that WE will be able to give children a loving and caring home, one that they never would have had. And they will grow up knowing that we love the absolute hell out of them, and that we would never ever want it any other way. I know the day that baby is put in my arms, my entire world will fall completely into place. That the sorrow and anxiety and depression I carry around every day about the loss of a baby that is you and me, will fall away in the eyes of a child I will love my whole life, and will spend every ounce of my enegery making sure they know that.

I dream and imagine about their rooms the nurseries, some days it's what keeps me going. Pink and Brown for a girl, Crazy Dinosaur fun for a boy.

Going to see the doctor in July scares me, surgery scares me and I am sorry for all the words and hurtful things that were said on Saturday. I am sorry for all of it. I am sorry that there was no other way for the words "I'm scared" to come out. I want to live my life out with you. There is a part of me... a big part that is terrified of missing all of it.

I never admitted this..... But I loved you the day I met you. Through out all of the stupid things that happened for a long time, that first kiss was when I truly knew I loved you, and I fought for you, and look where we are. You saved me. And you continue to save me when the hard things come up. Whether there is a ring involved or not, we are engaged, the way we feel about one another is all that matters and that is all I need right now. One day the ring will come and I will cry tears of joy just like you said, and I await that day. But for now I know in my heart all that matters is that we are going to spend our entire lives together and I want the world to know that.. And I would want no other person in my life to be my fiance.

I love you, with all of my heart. You are my first love, my only love. I wish we had met sooner, fallen in love sooner. But I cherish every moment, everyday, every breath. This life we will have together is what I dream about and what makes these days bearable. Because things are hard. I am done putting on a brave face, it was my only way of coping for a long time. I will fall apart when I need too and I hope with all my heart you will hold me every time and put me back together.

Love always and for every,
me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco De Drinko

Apparently today is just another reason that allows people to go out and get trashed and "justify it"

I spent the day antique shopping with my mom. Could I be any farther from what most kids my age are doing? Probably not. It was a lot of fun and I got a bunch of stuff for our christmas village. Last year it looked like this:
complete with three or four churches, a penguin house and about 300 snowmen. This year it will probably be twice as big. The boy got into a contest with his family as to who could make the best village and we voted ours the best, especially since it was our first year.

I also bought a glass dinosaur, some pigs for my mom, and presents for my someday to be father in law. I came home made enchilada pie, and fell asleep at 5pm. What a day folks. Anyways I woke up at 8:30 freaking out that it was the middle of the night and I had missed taking my medicine and then felt rather silly when I realized it was only 8:30.

I started the application process for temporary disability. It's been a long hard road but I think it's important because if I can't get a job anytime soon, the last thing I want is to lose the ability to rent our house or anything like that. Definitely makes me nervous..

I am laying in bed watching Dr. Phil (awful I know) but it's my guilty pleasure and Zoey is laying by my feet. She is such a goober, and when her and haley play fight she turns into a kung-foo fighter. It's pretty awesome.

Anyways, back to Dr. Phil and wishing I were here:
xoxo

Sunday, May 3, 2009

She thinks happiness is a mat on her doorstep

Maybe I'll start with a little background on my life. My sophomore year I had open heart surgery, and then junior year I had it again to replace my mitral valve. Everything went okay through high school, I lost a lot of friends, but for the first two years after my surgery I tried to cover my scar. I was embarrassed because people would stare and the last thing I wanted was for people to think I was different. One morning I woke up and decided I didn't care anymore. I started wearing the clothes I wanted to and people made comments to me about how amazing it was that I had the courage to show my scar off. One day I was at walmart the worst store in the world, and a mom came up to me and told me I should cover my scar because it was scaring her 4 year old daughter. I politely looked at her and told her maybe you should explain to her that I was very sick and the doctors were able to fix me up, and walked away.

I thought no one would ever be able to love me, because of all my health problems and scars and the fact that I am not always able to get up and do everything all the time. Then I met Brian. Brian has been through a lot as well. He was in a car accident in 2003 and his girlfriend at the time passed away instantly. He was given a 5% chance of living the first night and if he did he would be a vegetable. However almost 6 years later here he is, almost to the point he was at before the accident. We have been together for over three years and are going to get married.

Children have been a huge topic for us because of my health problems. I found out last June I can't have kids and have been struggling ever since with coming to grips with the fact that I will never be pregnant. It's a grieving process, that has been a long hard road. He has been so supportive and is okay with adoption 100%. I'm excited, for it, but sad at the same time. I know that I will give children a loving home, that they might not otherwise get. My therapist suggested starting a hope chest, so I have collecting cute antiques for the babies rooms and some cute clothes it makes things a lot easier.

I have been stuck in my house for over a month almost all the time because of migraines. It's not fun, but I have been crafting a lot and spending time with Zoey and Haley, my puppies which are my kiddos for now. I love them very very much!




My goal is to design baby clothes at some point and be the best mom I know I can be.

All though life is crazy right now, it's fun. No matter how terrible things can be, it will be okay.


Lover


My happy family!



Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Since when is it acceptable

for it to be 100 in April?

I started out the day to Zoey scratching at my door, which was strange because she should have been in the kitchen and back room where there is tile and access to the backyard. Lately Zoey has become a hurdler, she jumps the barier almost daily and sits outside our bedroom door until one of us wakes up. It's fine by me because being greeted by her makes my day, she is always so excited to see me, just like when I would go visit her at the pound. Zoey and I have this strange connection, one saturday last year Brian and I were driving around looking for fun things at garage sales when out of the blue I begged him to go to the shelter. We always talked about getting a second dog and he told me when I stopped working full time and started school again we could. That day we walked through three rooms of cages upon cages of dogs, none of which really felt right for me, and for us. That is until the VERY last cage, in this cage were two little white dogs and a chihuahua, they were strays and couldn't go up for adoption for three days. I begged Brian for her and he said no. But being that I fell in love with her at first sight I went back every single day to visit her. Everytime I came up to the cage she ran up and licked my hand and stayed near me, if I walked away she hid in the back and no matter who else came up, she never came to the front of the cage. It was fate. Needless to say I showed up very early to adopt her and she has become an amazing addition to our family!



Today was full of doctors appointments and going to the dentist, I figured that if the outlook of the day was probably not so great I would at least dress up cute and feel good about myself. I picked a cute top, skinny jeans, some cute shoes and curled my hair. This is the most I have put into getting ready in quite a while. First stop was the dentist, which is my least favorite, but I met a new dentist, Dr.Drew who complimented my shoes and was not to bad to look at. Brian had a great time making fun of the fact that I found my dentist good looking.

The next appointment was with another OBGYN. Most people don't know that last summer Brian and I found out we are going to be unable to have children on our own. Due to my heart conditions and the surgeries I had in high school, pregnancy for me comes a long with a high risk of something happening to me or the baby. Through out the last year we have been coming to terms with this and doing a lot of research on adoption so we can start the process the last semester Brian is in school. I am still greiving with the loss of being able to become pregnant, but I am becomming more and more excited to be able to help children that don't have families. And give them more love than they will ever know. The doctor was great, she made a lot of jokes, took great interest in our lives and whats going on and I felt very comfortable to now have a plan for the next few months.

I came home to do some crafting and painting, it was great fun. I love it, even though it has completely taken over my kitchen table.

Brian is my rock and through out everything he is there to make me laugh in the toughest of situations. The third week I knew him he visited me in the hospital two nights in a row, and I think that was really the moment that I fell in love with him. We have a lot of fun together doing all kinds of things, from road trips to watching movies.

Hopefully this summer I will be able to volunteer at the hospital, I would love to help with the NICU or play games or read to kids that can't leave their rooms. We shall see, we shall see!

I have a migraine now, I'm going to go watch a rerun of Gossip Girl and drool over all the beautiful and amazing clothes involved in that show. And fall asleep to dreams of the days everything in my life falls completely into place, and dreams of my prince charming and darling little dogs.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Together we stand

I used to have a different blog, I wrote in through most of high school, while I was struggling with some pretty epic situations. This is a new chapter in my life, and this new chapter deserves a new blog.

Brian and I have been together for three years. He has enriched my life in more ways than I thought someone could. We live together in a small house with our two beautiful puppies. For now they are our children. Haley and Zoey are about a year apart in age, and I adopted Zoey from Animal control in October.

Here is to a new beginning and when this migraine goes away I can write more!

xoxo
Casey