JDM

6 years ago today my life changed forever. I lost one of my very close friends Josh to suicide.

I remember everything about that day like it just happened yesterday. I remember two days prior he was backstage in the makeup room with his infectious smile making everyone laugh, I got one of his famous hugs and went about my day. I remember being in the lighting booth Friday night anxiously awaiting intermission so that I could go down and see my friends, when all of a sudden intermission is canceled and we are told to continue on with the show. All of a sudden this feeling that something is not right washes over me and while I tried to stay in the booth I couldn't, I walked downstairs and out into the lobby to find Mrs.Idler walking around. I asked her what was going on and she told me I would find out after the show, I become increasingly more anxious and tell her that if she does not tell me what is going on that I will walk out and never come back. And all of a sudden my world is crashing down around me.

It was unlike anything I have ever felt before, all these emotions are running through my body, but at the same time I felt entirely numb. I walked back to find Michelle on the floor in the drama hallway sobbing, I walked over to her and sat down and cried with her for what felt like forever. I went into the makeup room to talk to others and my mom came back and said there was someone outside that needed someone to talk to. I had only met Jason a couple times before, and he was standing there sobbing telling me he didn't believe it, so he drove to Josh's house and after talking to his parents, didn't know where to go and just ended up at the school. I didn't know what to say, we just stood there hugging each other and at that moment it all felt real. I don't know how long we stood there hugging each other, and it was an odd feeling to completely fall apart in the arms of someone I hardly knew, but I also felt very safe. I will always remember those moments, and I will always remember him, and I can go back to that time as if it just happened.

Somewhere along the line that night we ended up at IHOP. I hadn't stopped crying since I found out, and there were people that hadn't been there that night. Katie Lacher, now Katie Nelson, was at a wedding I believe that night. She knew Josh well and no one wanted to call and tell her, they were going to wait until the following day to let her know, and not ruin her evening. That didn't sit right with me, or a few others, but no one wanted to make that call. I remember standing in the parking lot of IHOP shaking so much and crying, a few of my closest friends around me as I called Katie. I don't know if she will read this or not, but I will never forget that phone call, or waiting in the parking lot for her to show up, or hugging her when she got there. It was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't sleep that night, and didn't sleep much that entire week.

I remember how many people showed up to the funeral, how many lives he had touched and how many people loved him. But also how many people just wanted to be apart of the situation like it was some kind of sick game, they wanted to be involved in the tragedy and said so many things that weren't true by any means. I yelled at two girls for crying just so they could get attention when they admitted that they didn't know Josh at all. When Brian lost Sarah he said that same things happened. People who didn't know Sarah acted like they were her best friend, people he didn't know came up to him and acted like his best friend. And that just makes me sick.

The pain never really goes away. But I remember all of the amazing times I had with him, all of the ways he bettered my life, and what I took away from this horrible tragedy. I miss him with all of my heart, and always will, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I carry a piece of him with me everyday and enjoy the small things in life more then I used too. And I know he is always watching over me, I know that he wants us to be joking around and living life to the fullest, and so I do just that.

6:30am

Dear ASU,

You certainly are sneaky.
You had me CONVINCED that last semester was going to be the worst.
You allowed me a month of time with Brian, sure it was great, but 3 weeks of that were spent recovering from surgery.
But that was okay because this semester I would get to spend my evenings with him, and we would eat dinner and cuddle in bed watching whatever was on TV or in the DVD player.
And all would be right again.
But no, why would that happen?
It just so happens that this semester is WORSE then last semester.
You have stolen him from me again.
If he isn't at work, he is on his computer working on PayPal stuff.
There is no cuddling and TV watching.
You take all of his money.
And I am left sleeping alone.
He might as well be engaged to you instead of me.
But I will prevail, because I make him happy.
xoxo,
Casey

I am

I am:

Funny
Open
Honest
Real
Quick Witted
Incredibly Intelligent
Loving
Emotional to a fault
Faithful
Loyal
Addicted to cupcakes
Not afraid to love
A girl who cries at silly things because the big things are too hard.
A fighter.
Head over heels for a boy named Brian.
Someone who will do anything for a friend or family member. Probably even a stranger
Not afraid to show my scar.
A girl who sings in the car everywhere.
A girl who listens to the same song on repeat for hours just because.
Creative
I think I bleed creativity.
A painter.
A photographer.
Stronger then most people think.
Beautiful.
Friendly.
obsessed with dresses, skirts, headbands and purses.
only able to sleep well when it's raining. I live in the wrong state.
a frequent puddle jumper and rain dancer :)
Capable of finding something good and beautiful in every situation.
hoping for a better and brighter future everyday
unsure what I want to be when I grow big
very passionate about kids and animals. anytime they are hurt or neglected it breaks my heart.

I am also:
broken
insecure
anxious
worried about the future
dreading my next surgery
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often.
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often over the hate in the world. and the fact that people are so unaccepting.
unable to completely ever accept myself.
confused why people leave so much.
confused why people pretend to be my friend for whatever reason.
tired.

But I do know one thing
confidence can take you when nerves try to shake you from going all the way

24

Happy Birthday Sarah.

The more I learn and know about you the more I wish I had known you better. Thank you for everything you ever did for Brian. Thank you for teaching him to let someone in, and to love someone.

You were beautiful together.

-Casey

lovely things and lovely days

Things I love:
Arizona Sunsets
Cuddling with a sleeping baby on my chest for 45 minutes (insert baby fever here)
Lovely new friends who are genuinely nice
Photo shoots
One Republic
My lovely baby cousin who isn't so much of a baby more an almost toddler
Family
Sprinkles cupcakes
New friendships, did I mention they are lovely inside and out
A certain boy who still gives me butterflies.
Love.
you!

On her way.

I feel like I could type and type and type,
or write and write and write and fill pages and pages,
with thoughts and feelings that are going 7 million different ways.
None of it makes any sense to me, so I'm sure it wont make any sense to you.

I can't even slow my mind down enough to figure out what I want to say.
The one thing that doesn't change is my Love for Brian.


I woke up at 4:30am crying.
I should have known how this day would go.
However I think that today is the first day I allowed myself to feel anything since December 16th.
I am emotionally drained at this point.
But I suppose that I did this all to myself.
I was so tired of everything that I just pushed it as far away as possible.
Only problem with that is that I don't have a whole lot anything to bury myself into right now to distract myself.
I just decided to pretend that I was okay with everything and that some day I would just forget everything I pushed away.
Now its creeping back up on me, and things that normally don't bother me, cause me to break down.

Instead of just stuffing it away today I let it wash over me.
I cried and cried and cried, until I didn't think that I could cry anymore.
I talked to Brian.
I talked to my mom.
And I cried and cried and cried.

I want to start my family.
I want my babies now.
I know it will happen but I just can't sit here and pretend that it is all okay anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way.
I am jealous of everyone I know having babies.
I am so sad and happy and a whole mess of other emotions for all of my friends.
I've tried to keep it together. I've tried to remind myself that one day I will have my perfect little family.
One day I will have a house full of toys, a couple of beautiful children underfoot.
That will happen.
But I wont lie and say that every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy or go into labor and have there babies, I don't feel any sadness or pain or that little empty spot in my heart ache for what they have.

I need to let myself cry and work through these emotions.
This will all make me stronger.
But right now I am feeling a little weak.

Natalie recommended a beautiful song by Shelly Fraley called "on her way"
It's pretty much my life story in a 3 minute song. And I definately think that her taste in music makes me like her just a little more..

P.S. I love new friendships

P.P.S I love my man.

On Her Way

Found out my dad has to have a full cardiac work up tomorrow.
I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me.

One Tree Hill always finds a way to make me cry.
Brian thinks it's silly.
I cry at everything.
Maybe because I have a hard time being vulnerable about the important things.

I need a new dress for family brunch on Saturday.

18 days.

Returning the smile you have had from the start

I woke up this morning 15 minutes before we had to leave for my Dr.s appointment. Something about getting up out of my wonderfully comfortable bed to get shots in my neck from the worlds largest needle is so unappealing.

We got Burger King for breakfast because despite my efforts to kick the fast food habit, we had no food in the house and I have to eat before I go. Did I mention my doctor is a naturopath? He would be so disappointed in me.

Today I am rocking the messy, unwashed, up in a half cute bun hair style. And I could care less.

I also joked with Brian that I am bringing back the 80's with my off the shoulder sweater and a tank top underneath.

In reality for the first time in a long time I feel beautiful.

Maybe messy hair, skinny jeans, sweaters and boots are what makes me most comfortable.

I told Brian that I am having a secret love affair with Michael Grubbs.

If you don't know who that is you need to find out because your life will not be complete without some Wakey!Wakey! on your Ipod.

He laughed because he knows him as the bartender on One Tree Hill. He thought his first name was Grubbs, which would be one of the most amazing things ever. He is also completely envious of his piano skills. Which made me laugh. (however I am completely envious of that as well, just don't tell him that!)

It's not hard to win over my heart. I am a sucker for musicians especially ones who play the piano.

But in reality my heart belongs to Brian. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I finally made our reservations to go to San Diego over spring break. 3 days in California is much needed right now, we are staying in a hotel right next to the beach. I'm in love already!

Today I should be cleaning my desk, the kitchen counter, doing countless loads of laundry, finding a class to start at Rio in the next few weeks, working on some of my stuff I plan to sell on Etsy. Yet here I sit, listening to music, dreaming about our trip. I will save all these chores for another day because Brian is busy all weekend and I will need things to do.

I miss the days when life wasn't so crazy. When we would just lay in bed and cuddle for hours because we could. Because there was the time for that. Now life is full of work and school and grown up things.

When life is full of work and school and grown up things, it makes me increasingly restless.
It makes me want to lay in bed and watch movies all day.
Or go outside and blow bubbles for hours.
Or dress up and go on a date for no other reason then to have some time for just us. No distractions or interruptions.
Or have tickle fights, that turn into wrestling matches, that result in one of us getting hurt. Not seriously, just the kind of hurt that a kiss will make all better.
Or go out and by a hammock and lay outside and take pictures of my surroundings.

But I have been dealing with grown up things since I was 10, it's no stranger to me.

Did I ever tell you how much I love him?
That I get lost in his blue eyes, and gorgeous smile.
That his laugh is my favorite sound.
That our hands fit perfectly together.
That 4 years later I still get butterflies when I see him.
That he changed my life in so many ways for the better.
That he makes me feel beautiful.
That he loves the giant ugly scar on my chest, even though people stare at it, and make rude comments about it.
That he yells at people who say mean things to me when we park in handicap spots because I have a hanger and am not parking there because I am lazy.


I want to make an epic mix for our drive to California. So I am requesting that you comment with your favorite songs, artists, albums, whatever it is I want it.

P.S. anyone want to be friends?!

Whisper hello I miss you quite terribly

Dear Wii Fit Plus,
I promise I am not neglecting you, things have just been overly crazy right now. Trust me I will come back to you hopefully as soon as tomorrow.
Love always,
Casey

I wish I could find the motivation to update this everyday like I used to update my old one. Alas so far this isn't happening.

Today I went and got a lovely massage at my favorite spa Fuchsia. it's the highlight of every other Thursday.

I also looked on my favorite clothing website and am seriously considering buying a few new pairs of jeans and maybe a couple tops. What I can tell your for sure is I'm pretty sure my closet would explode if anything else is put in there, I think I am going to test that theory though.

I want to make this blog look cute, but for some reason this is such a challenge for me. When I recently ran across Natalie's blog from Millie's I fell completely in love with her blog. I want to make this one beautiful like hers. Help please?!

Toddlers and Tiaras is on right now. I think it so sad the amount of pressure parents put on their kids to be perfect at the age of 4. Maybe it is just that I feel like kids should be allowed to stay kids for as long as possible and unfortunately in this world, kids grow up way to quick. It breaks my heart.

Brian and I are going to California in March. I need to get reservations made pronto, but I'm still deciding between two or three nights. I just want a few days out of this state, out of my element. My mind shuts off far more often on vacation then when I am here. I need a break from my mind. Is that even possible? 4 days with Brian, the zoo, the beach, the wild animal park and some good quality time together is all I want right now.

We are having a huge family brunch on Saturday the 27th. I'm a little nervous, but three of my cousins had babies, so there will be lots of babies for me to hold and love on. I'm most comfortable when I'm with kids. I love them all so much and I can't wait to start filling out adoption paperwork in the fall. I have been told my whole life that I am completely made for being a mom. Holding babies is completely natural for me, and most people say that I look totally at ease with kids. True, true, true.

We went on a date last night. RA for happy hour (no alcohol for us thanks), then to the mall to pick up my ring that Brian bought me three years ago and to get him a chain for Sarah's ring. Then we went to Michaels. For those of you who don't know me know that Michaels is basically my mecca. I love craft stores, I love making things. I love all of it. I got a killer deal on 7 frames and 8 candles.

Tomorrow I go see my doctor, who is also my cousins husband. He is amazing and I love that family so much. I'm going to get to watch their baby girl hopefully this weekend while they go on a date.

School starts in the fall I'm hoping, but I'm waiting to qualify for financial aid.

I loved spending all of Valentines day in my pajamas spending time with Brian. It was perfect and I couldn't ask for anything better.

I love the warmer weather.

I love, love.

Lets get to know each other better :)

XOXO Casey

Love always finds a way

Firsts:

• The first time I met Brian he was wearing a skirt and a shirt that said "wanted boyfriend", I really didn't even notice it because he was driving. It still makes me laugh to this day.
• The first time I really started to fall in love with him, was the night that a lot of bad stuff happened. He met me at Sun Ray Park where I was sobbing, and just held me. We sat there for so long in completely silence, and I have never felt safer.
• The first time he held my hand was a few days after the stuff went down, and we were driving around chandler air park talking about everything that was going on. I started crying and he held my hand for the rest of the night. They fit perfectly together.
  
• The first time we kissed, he wrote "I really want to kiss you" on my back with his finger. I had no idea what he wrote, and begged him to tell me. That's when he kissed me. It was the best first kiss I could have asked for.
• The first date we ever went on was to see Saw II. So romantic I know.
• We started going out in November, but the first time he officially asked me to be his girlfriend was December 9th 2005.
• The first time he said he was falling in love with me, was New Years eve 2005.
  
• The first time we said "I Love You" was a few days after that.
• He took me to see snow for the first time.
  
• The first concert we went to was Boys Night Out for our first Valentines day!
• He is the first and only boy I have ever truly loved.

Random things you may or may not know about me

1. I started this blog a long time ago, in hopes that Brian and I would both update and be able to keep in touch with people we don't see often. It's sat here for too long and now I'm just going to use it.
2. I used to write daily, an outlet for all my thoughts, lately they have been inconsistent, crazy and somewhat depressing. But the times are a changing.
   
3. I have a billion clothes in my closet and still feel the need to buy more.
4. I had surgery in December to have my tubes tied and an ablation. When we found out I would die if I was ever to become pregnant, I felt it was necessary for my sanity to make sure that never happened.
5. I sing constantly to everything and anything I am listening to. I love everything from The Beatles, Cheap Trick and The Cure, to Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
6. I can't wait to get involved with the Children's Heart Association and may do some speaking and hopefully volunteering with kids going through things similar to what I went through.
7. I cry easily. At commercials, movies, songs, stories in the news paper, you name it, I'm sure it will make me cry.
8. I am obsessed with taking pictures and am hoping to be a photographer on the side.
9. I'm only 5'10" please don't argue with me about my height, I am aware that when I sit I am the same height as my friends 5'3" and under, I am very short waisted.
10. I love working with children and I can't wait to adopt.
11. I love the names Cadence, Ann Marie, Sarah Elizabeth, Taylor, Bentley, Connor and Jackson.
12. If I were a boy I would have been named Blue after my dads best friend who died in Vietnam.
13. I am not close to any of my extended family, except my 2nd Cousin Janie and her whole family.
14. My dogs are my babies, and we refer to them as our daughters for the time being.
15. Brian is my one true love, and my first true love. I can't wait to tell that story to our kids.
16. We have been together for over 4 years but it feels so much longer.
17. I want to live in Colorado or California, but would be content in Arizona my whole life if that is where we stay.
18. I fill our walls with scrapbooked frames and lovely photography.
19. I am in love with the wii fit plus and yoga.
20. Teen mom is one of my favorite shows. Maci and Bentley are my favorites. Catelyn and Tyler are my inspiration.
21. I could eat pumpkin cream cheese and pumpkin bagels for the rest of my life.
22. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Brian, and I didn't think it was possible to fall more in love everyday.
23. Sapphires, Diamonds and White gold are my favorite Jewelry.
24. Roses, Gerbera Daisies and Sun Flowers are my favorite flowers depending on my mood.
25. My eyes change color from brown to green to blue.
26. Summer time and dresses complete my life.
27. Christmas lights, Christmas trees and Hot Chai are the best parts of winter.
28. I have a beautiful wedding planned in my head.
29. Penguins stay with one mate their whole life, they always come back to that one other penguin no matter what. Brian is my penguin.
30. Black, Red and White are my favorite colors for my house.
31. My daughters nursery will be pink and brown, covered with Kurt Halsey photos.
32. Kurt Halsey is my favorite artist.
33. Jenny Hansen takes beautiful pictures and I feel blessed that she is going to photograph Brian and I in March.
34. Amelia is another amazing photographer, Saturday will be lovely!
35. I am there for anyone, 24-7.
36. Baby shoes are my weakness.
37. I am a sucker for anything acoustic.
38. Chandler air park holds a significant meaning to me.
39. I want to know you better. Lets make that happen!
    

Ladies and Gentelmen

http://www.facebook.com/notes/jenny-hansen/700/275129989487

This my friends is the amazing and talented Jenny Hansen. She is currently holding a sale on all of the gorgeous items she made last year. I definitely think you should all check it out.


More updates on christmas, my 23rd birthday and more are coming this way, I've been MIA due to surgery and sickness.