Almost two months ago, I watched my whole world crumble around me. As the dust began to settle I didn't recognize anything around me, and I still don't. I still don't know much, and every time I try to make sense of things, new information comes out.

I watched people walk out of my life, I cried, I was angry and I felt all alone. But there is now one thing I have figured out. The people who walked out, don't deserve to be in my life, if you can't be there for me in the worst moments, why should you get to be there during the best?

while I cried over the ones who walked away, I should have realized what matters is who walks into my life with honest intentions. Those are the people I love and care for, they are the ones I will be friends with when I am 80, the ones I can cry to, and laugh with, and not worry if they will walk out of my life. They are people who I would do anything for and expect nothing in return, and I know it would be the same on their end.

I don't know how I am going to make it through the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year. What I do know is I have people to help me figure it out, and I don't think I could ask for anything more(except for my sister coming home.)

Happy Birthday little sister.

I still can't believe it's been 6 weeks since you passed away. It feels like yesterday, and I just don't feel like this will get any easier. I have so many questions and barely any answers. I feel sad, angry, anxious, confusion and a thousand other things. And as badly as I want to lay in bed and cry and watch awful reality tv shows, or private practice dvds, I can't always do that. You wouldn't want me to do that, and so I find a way to get out of bed, get myself ready for the day, even if all I do is stay home. I search and search for a distraction hoping that even one minute of my day will allow my mind to slow. If that minute does come around I just hope that something about you, or a memory will float through me and make me smile, instead of making me want to drop to my knees and beg for you back.


You would be proud though, I've picked up my camera and done a few shoots, and usually for a moment or two my mind is quiet. I usually come home and look through the photos, and instinctively I pick up the phone to call you, or open up your email to send you one or two, but your phone number belongs to someone else now, and your email is closed. That's when I fall apart, let it out, then put myself back together to make it through a few more hours.

You would also be proud to know I've opened up to a couple of people. I know you always worry about me, especially about the fact that I put everyone before myself. I tell you everything so you already know. But you always tell me sooner or later I am going to have to let someone in, and I have, and they are wonderful people. Friends I can cry to, talk to, even when I feel like I'm not making any sense, trust, and most importantly they don't treat me any different. They tell me about their days, and we talk about all kinds of things, and if the time is right we talk about you, and at the end of the day they are still here, they still care about me for me.

Here are a few products of my distractions.

You're gone.

My world is completely shattered.

So many worlds are shattered.

I've never felt so alone.

Uninspired.

Empty.

I've also never felt so much, but nothing at all, all at the same time.

I miss you.

90% of the time it doesn't feel real, and the times it does, it is so overwhelming.

So much happened that night, and when I think about it I feel like I'm drowning.

It shouldn't have been you, it shouldn't have been anyone. 

It makes me lose faith in people, it makes me hate people, it makes me angry with the world.

I think and I think and I think, and the more we find out the more I hate it.

I never thought I could feel so angry.

I hope their days are consumed by what they did.

I hope it haunts them.

You are my inspiration, my motivation, you always will be. But now that you aren't here, all the things you pushed me to do. My photography, my painting, my writing, I'm struggling with it.

You knew the right things to say at just the right time.

You are beautiful, intelligent, have the world in the palm of your hand.

You would have changed the world.

You changed so many peoples worlds, even people you talked to for an hour, for 15 minutes, in 2 days you changed so many people.

You did change the world.

You changed my world.

24

When I was a kid I hated that my birthday was on New Years Day. I didn't care that it was interesting that I was the first baby born in Arizona on Jan 1st 1987, I was too busy feeling sad that most people didn't remember my birthday because it fell over Christmas break and I could never have a party until like two weeks after school started up again.

Since I've gotten older I think it's pretty awesome. It's a whole new year on all accounts for me, not only because it's a new year for everyone but because I'm a whole year older!

This year I have a few plans on what I want to accomplish:
Get my photography business off the ground.
Document this year through pictures.
Love unconditionally.
Get rid of anything that causes drama in my life, even if it means losing people in the process.
Run everyday.
Go to Seattle.
Appreciate everything I have.