Dear You

Some days I feel as though everything is falling apart. Like one year ago this next month ruined everything in my life. I braved the days and held myself together for a long time. I wish I never found out that having children was not in the cards for me, for us. I carry a guilt and a sorrow, not only for myself, but for you as well. I am sorry everyday for the fact that I won't be able to give you you're child. One that is you and me. But I find comfort in the fact that WE will be able to give children a loving and caring home, one that they never would have had. And they will grow up knowing that we love the absolute hell out of them, and that we would never ever want it any other way. I know the day that baby is put in my arms, my entire world will fall completely into place. That the sorrow and anxiety and depression I carry around every day about the loss of a baby that is you and me, will fall away in the eyes of a child I will love my whole life, and will spend every ounce of my enegery making sure they know that.

I dream and imagine about their rooms the nurseries, some days it's what keeps me going. Pink and Brown for a girl, Crazy Dinosaur fun for a boy.

Going to see the doctor in July scares me, surgery scares me and I am sorry for all the words and hurtful things that were said on Saturday. I am sorry for all of it. I am sorry that there was no other way for the words "I'm scared" to come out. I want to live my life out with you. There is a part of me... a big part that is terrified of missing all of it.

I never admitted this..... But I loved you the day I met you. Through out all of the stupid things that happened for a long time, that first kiss was when I truly knew I loved you, and I fought for you, and look where we are. You saved me. And you continue to save me when the hard things come up. Whether there is a ring involved or not, we are engaged, the way we feel about one another is all that matters and that is all I need right now. One day the ring will come and I will cry tears of joy just like you said, and I await that day. But for now I know in my heart all that matters is that we are going to spend our entire lives together and I want the world to know that.. And I would want no other person in my life to be my fiance.

I love you, with all of my heart. You are my first love, my only love. I wish we had met sooner, fallen in love sooner. But I cherish every moment, everyday, every breath. This life we will have together is what I dream about and what makes these days bearable. Because things are hard. I am done putting on a brave face, it was my only way of coping for a long time. I will fall apart when I need too and I hope with all my heart you will hold me every time and put me back together.

Love always and for every,
me.

Cinco De Drinko

Apparently today is just another reason that allows people to go out and get trashed and "justify it"

I spent the day antique shopping with my mom. Could I be any farther from what most kids my age are doing? Probably not. It was a lot of fun and I got a bunch of stuff for our christmas village. Last year it looked like this:
complete with three or four churches, a penguin house and about 300 snowmen. This year it will probably be twice as big. The boy got into a contest with his family as to who could make the best village and we voted ours the best, especially since it was our first year.

I also bought a glass dinosaur, some pigs for my mom, and presents for my someday to be father in law. I came home made enchilada pie, and fell asleep at 5pm. What a day folks. Anyways I woke up at 8:30 freaking out that it was the middle of the night and I had missed taking my medicine and then felt rather silly when I realized it was only 8:30.

I started the application process for temporary disability. It's been a long hard road but I think it's important because if I can't get a job anytime soon, the last thing I want is to lose the ability to rent our house or anything like that. Definitely makes me nervous..

I am laying in bed watching Dr. Phil (awful I know) but it's my guilty pleasure and Zoey is laying by my feet. She is such a goober, and when her and haley play fight she turns into a kung-foo fighter. It's pretty awesome.

Anyways, back to Dr. Phil and wishing I were here:
xoxo

She thinks happiness is a mat on her doorstep

Maybe I'll start with a little background on my life. My sophomore year I had open heart surgery, and then junior year I had it again to replace my mitral valve. Everything went okay through high school, I lost a lot of friends, but for the first two years after my surgery I tried to cover my scar. I was embarrassed because people would stare and the last thing I wanted was for people to think I was different. One morning I woke up and decided I didn't care anymore. I started wearing the clothes I wanted to and people made comments to me about how amazing it was that I had the courage to show my scar off. One day I was at walmart the worst store in the world, and a mom came up to me and told me I should cover my scar because it was scaring her 4 year old daughter. I politely looked at her and told her maybe you should explain to her that I was very sick and the doctors were able to fix me up, and walked away.

I thought no one would ever be able to love me, because of all my health problems and scars and the fact that I am not always able to get up and do everything all the time. Then I met Brian. Brian has been through a lot as well. He was in a car accident in 2003 and his girlfriend at the time passed away instantly. He was given a 5% chance of living the first night and if he did he would be a vegetable. However almost 6 years later here he is, almost to the point he was at before the accident. We have been together for over three years and are going to get married.

Children have been a huge topic for us because of my health problems. I found out last June I can't have kids and have been struggling ever since with coming to grips with the fact that I will never be pregnant. It's a grieving process, that has been a long hard road. He has been so supportive and is okay with adoption 100%. I'm excited, for it, but sad at the same time. I know that I will give children a loving home, that they might not otherwise get. My therapist suggested starting a hope chest, so I have collecting cute antiques for the babies rooms and some cute clothes it makes things a lot easier.

I have been stuck in my house for over a month almost all the time because of migraines. It's not fun, but I have been crafting a lot and spending time with Zoey and Haley, my puppies which are my kiddos for now. I love them very very much!

My goal is to design baby clothes at some point and be the best mom I know I can be.

All though life is crazy right now, it's fun. No matter how terrible things can be, it will be okay.

Lover


My happy family!