Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I still can't believe it's been 6 weeks since you passed away. It feels like yesterday, and I just don't feel like this will get any easier. I have so many questions and barely any answers. I feel sad, angry, anxious, confusion and a thousand other things. And as badly as I want to lay in bed and cry and watch awful reality tv shows, or private practice dvds, I can't always do that. You wouldn't want me to do that, and so I find a way to get out of bed, get myself ready for the day, even if all I do is stay home. I search and search for a distraction hoping that even one minute of my day will allow my mind to slow. If that minute does come around I just hope that something about you, or a memory will float through me and make me smile, instead of making me want to drop to my knees and beg for you back.


You would be proud though, I've picked up my camera and done a few shoots, and usually for a moment or two my mind is quiet. I usually come home and look through the photos, and instinctively I pick up the phone to call you, or open up your email to send you one or two, but your phone number belongs to someone else now, and your email is closed. That's when I fall apart, let it out, then put myself back together to make it through a few more hours.

You would also be proud to know I've opened up to a couple of people. I know you always worry about me, especially about the fact that I put everyone before myself. I tell you everything so you already know. But you always tell me sooner or later I am going to have to let someone in, and I have, and they are wonderful people. Friends I can cry to, talk to, even when I feel like I'm not making any sense, trust, and most importantly they don't treat me any different. They tell me about their days, and we talk about all kinds of things, and if the time is right we talk about you, and at the end of the day they are still here, they still care about me for me.

Here are a few products of my distractions.








1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Update. Beautiful message to her. Beautiful pictures. She is so proud of you. I know it. :)

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