Dear You

Some days I feel as though everything is falling apart. Like one year ago this next month ruined everything in my life. I braved the days and held myself together for a long time. I wish I never found out that having children was not in the cards for me, for us. I carry a guilt and a sorrow, not only for myself, but for you as well. I am sorry everyday for the fact that I won't be able to give you you're child. One that is you and me. But I find comfort in the fact that WE will be able to give children a loving and caring home, one that they never would have had. And they will grow up knowing that we love the absolute hell out of them, and that we would never ever want it any other way. I know the day that baby is put in my arms, my entire world will fall completely into place. That the sorrow and anxiety and depression I carry around every day about the loss of a baby that is you and me, will fall away in the eyes of a child I will love my whole life, and will spend every ounce of my enegery making sure they know that.

I dream and imagine about their rooms the nurseries, some days it's what keeps me going. Pink and Brown for a girl, Crazy Dinosaur fun for a boy.

Going to see the doctor in July scares me, surgery scares me and I am sorry for all the words and hurtful things that were said on Saturday. I am sorry for all of it. I am sorry that there was no other way for the words "I'm scared" to come out. I want to live my life out with you. There is a part of me... a big part that is terrified of missing all of it.

I never admitted this..... But I loved you the day I met you. Through out all of the stupid things that happened for a long time, that first kiss was when I truly knew I loved you, and I fought for you, and look where we are. You saved me. And you continue to save me when the hard things come up. Whether there is a ring involved or not, we are engaged, the way we feel about one another is all that matters and that is all I need right now. One day the ring will come and I will cry tears of joy just like you said, and I await that day. But for now I know in my heart all that matters is that we are going to spend our entire lives together and I want the world to know that.. And I would want no other person in my life to be my fiance.

I love you, with all of my heart. You are my first love, my only love. I wish we had met sooner, fallen in love sooner. But I cherish every moment, everyday, every breath. This life we will have together is what I dream about and what makes these days bearable. Because things are hard. I am done putting on a brave face, it was my only way of coping for a long time. I will fall apart when I need too and I hope with all my heart you will hold me every time and put me back together.

Love always and for every,
me.