JDM

6 years ago today my life changed forever. I lost one of my very close friends Josh to suicide.

I remember everything about that day like it just happened yesterday. I remember two days prior he was backstage in the makeup room with his infectious smile making everyone laugh, I got one of his famous hugs and went about my day. I remember being in the lighting booth Friday night anxiously awaiting intermission so that I could go down and see my friends, when all of a sudden intermission is canceled and we are told to continue on with the show. All of a sudden this feeling that something is not right washes over me and while I tried to stay in the booth I couldn't, I walked downstairs and out into the lobby to find Mrs.Idler walking around. I asked her what was going on and she told me I would find out after the show, I become increasingly more anxious and tell her that if she does not tell me what is going on that I will walk out and never come back. And all of a sudden my world is crashing down around me.

It was unlike anything I have ever felt before, all these emotions are running through my body, but at the same time I felt entirely numb. I walked back to find Michelle on the floor in the drama hallway sobbing, I walked over to her and sat down and cried with her for what felt like forever. I went into the makeup room to talk to others and my mom came back and said there was someone outside that needed someone to talk to. I had only met Jason a couple times before, and he was standing there sobbing telling me he didn't believe it, so he drove to Josh's house and after talking to his parents, didn't know where to go and just ended up at the school. I didn't know what to say, we just stood there hugging each other and at that moment it all felt real. I don't know how long we stood there hugging each other, and it was an odd feeling to completely fall apart in the arms of someone I hardly knew, but I also felt very safe. I will always remember those moments, and I will always remember him, and I can go back to that time as if it just happened.

Somewhere along the line that night we ended up at IHOP. I hadn't stopped crying since I found out, and there were people that hadn't been there that night. Katie Lacher, now Katie Nelson, was at a wedding I believe that night. She knew Josh well and no one wanted to call and tell her, they were going to wait until the following day to let her know, and not ruin her evening. That didn't sit right with me, or a few others, but no one wanted to make that call. I remember standing in the parking lot of IHOP shaking so much and crying, a few of my closest friends around me as I called Katie. I don't know if she will read this or not, but I will never forget that phone call, or waiting in the parking lot for her to show up, or hugging her when she got there. It was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't sleep that night, and didn't sleep much that entire week.

I remember how many people showed up to the funeral, how many lives he had touched and how many people loved him. But also how many people just wanted to be apart of the situation like it was some kind of sick game, they wanted to be involved in the tragedy and said so many things that weren't true by any means. I yelled at two girls for crying just so they could get attention when they admitted that they didn't know Josh at all. When Brian lost Sarah he said that same things happened. People who didn't know Sarah acted like they were her best friend, people he didn't know came up to him and acted like his best friend. And that just makes me sick.

The pain never really goes away. But I remember all of the amazing times I had with him, all of the ways he bettered my life, and what I took away from this horrible tragedy. I miss him with all of my heart, and always will, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I carry a piece of him with me everyday and enjoy the small things in life more then I used too. And I know he is always watching over me, I know that he wants us to be joking around and living life to the fullest, and so I do just that.

6:30am

Dear ASU,

You certainly are sneaky.
You had me CONVINCED that last semester was going to be the worst.
You allowed me a month of time with Brian, sure it was great, but 3 weeks of that were spent recovering from surgery.
But that was okay because this semester I would get to spend my evenings with him, and we would eat dinner and cuddle in bed watching whatever was on TV or in the DVD player.
And all would be right again.
But no, why would that happen?
It just so happens that this semester is WORSE then last semester.
You have stolen him from me again.
If he isn't at work, he is on his computer working on PayPal stuff.
There is no cuddling and TV watching.
You take all of his money.
And I am left sleeping alone.
He might as well be engaged to you instead of me.
But I will prevail, because I make him happy.
xoxo,
Casey

I am

I am:

Funny
Open
Honest
Real
Quick Witted
Incredibly Intelligent
Loving
Emotional to a fault
Faithful
Loyal
Addicted to cupcakes
Not afraid to love
A girl who cries at silly things because the big things are too hard.
A fighter.
Head over heels for a boy named Brian.
Someone who will do anything for a friend or family member. Probably even a stranger
Not afraid to show my scar.
A girl who sings in the car everywhere.
A girl who listens to the same song on repeat for hours just because.
Creative
I think I bleed creativity.
A painter.
A photographer.
Stronger then most people think.
Beautiful.
Friendly.
obsessed with dresses, skirts, headbands and purses.
only able to sleep well when it's raining. I live in the wrong state.
a frequent puddle jumper and rain dancer :)
Capable of finding something good and beautiful in every situation.
hoping for a better and brighter future everyday
unsure what I want to be when I grow big
very passionate about kids and animals. anytime they are hurt or neglected it breaks my heart.

I am also:
broken
insecure
anxious
worried about the future
dreading my next surgery
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often.
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often over the hate in the world. and the fact that people are so unaccepting.
unable to completely ever accept myself.
confused why people leave so much.
confused why people pretend to be my friend for whatever reason.
tired.

But I do know one thing
confidence can take you when nerves try to shake you from going all the way

24

Happy Birthday Sarah.

The more I learn and know about you the more I wish I had known you better. Thank you for everything you ever did for Brian. Thank you for teaching him to let someone in, and to love someone.

You were beautiful together.

-Casey

lovely things and lovely days

Things I love:
Arizona Sunsets
Cuddling with a sleeping baby on my chest for 45 minutes (insert baby fever here)
Lovely new friends who are genuinely nice
Photo shoots
One Republic
My lovely baby cousin who isn't so much of a baby more an almost toddler
Family
Sprinkles cupcakes
New friendships, did I mention they are lovely inside and out
A certain boy who still gives me butterflies.
Love.
you!

On her way.

I feel like I could type and type and type,
or write and write and write and fill pages and pages,
with thoughts and feelings that are going 7 million different ways.
None of it makes any sense to me, so I'm sure it wont make any sense to you.

I can't even slow my mind down enough to figure out what I want to say.
The one thing that doesn't change is my Love for Brian.


I woke up at 4:30am crying.
I should have known how this day would go.
However I think that today is the first day I allowed myself to feel anything since December 16th.
I am emotionally drained at this point.
But I suppose that I did this all to myself.
I was so tired of everything that I just pushed it as far away as possible.
Only problem with that is that I don't have a whole lot anything to bury myself into right now to distract myself.
I just decided to pretend that I was okay with everything and that some day I would just forget everything I pushed away.
Now its creeping back up on me, and things that normally don't bother me, cause me to break down.

Instead of just stuffing it away today I let it wash over me.
I cried and cried and cried, until I didn't think that I could cry anymore.
I talked to Brian.
I talked to my mom.
And I cried and cried and cried.

I want to start my family.
I want my babies now.
I know it will happen but I just can't sit here and pretend that it is all okay anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way.
I am jealous of everyone I know having babies.
I am so sad and happy and a whole mess of other emotions for all of my friends.
I've tried to keep it together. I've tried to remind myself that one day I will have my perfect little family.
One day I will have a house full of toys, a couple of beautiful children underfoot.
That will happen.
But I wont lie and say that every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy or go into labor and have there babies, I don't feel any sadness or pain or that little empty spot in my heart ache for what they have.

I need to let myself cry and work through these emotions.
This will all make me stronger.
But right now I am feeling a little weak.

Natalie recommended a beautiful song by Shelly Fraley called "on her way"
It's pretty much my life story in a 3 minute song. And I definately think that her taste in music makes me like her just a little more..

P.S. I love new friendships

P.P.S I love my man.

On Her Way

Found out my dad has to have a full cardiac work up tomorrow.
I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me.

One Tree Hill always finds a way to make me cry.
Brian thinks it's silly.
I cry at everything.
Maybe because I have a hard time being vulnerable about the important things.

I need a new dress for family brunch on Saturday.

18 days.