6:30am

Dear ASU,

You certainly are sneaky.
You had me CONVINCED that last semester was going to be the worst.
You allowed me a month of time with Brian, sure it was great, but 3 weeks of that were spent recovering from surgery.
But that was okay because this semester I would get to spend my evenings with him, and we would eat dinner and cuddle in bed watching whatever was on TV or in the DVD player.
And all would be right again.
But no, why would that happen?
It just so happens that this semester is WORSE then last semester.
You have stolen him from me again.
If he isn't at work, he is on his computer working on PayPal stuff.
There is no cuddling and TV watching.
You take all of his money.
And I am left sleeping alone.
He might as well be engaged to you instead of me.
But I will prevail, because I make him happy.
xoxo,
Casey

I am

I am:

Funny
Open
Honest
Real
Quick Witted
Incredibly Intelligent
Loving
Emotional to a fault
Faithful
Loyal
Addicted to cupcakes
Not afraid to love
A girl who cries at silly things because the big things are too hard.
A fighter.
Head over heels for a boy named Brian.
Someone who will do anything for a friend or family member. Probably even a stranger
Not afraid to show my scar.
A girl who sings in the car everywhere.
A girl who listens to the same song on repeat for hours just because.
Creative
I think I bleed creativity.
A painter.
A photographer.
Stronger then most people think.
Beautiful.
Friendly.
obsessed with dresses, skirts, headbands and purses.
only able to sleep well when it's raining. I live in the wrong state.
a frequent puddle jumper and rain dancer :)
Capable of finding something good and beautiful in every situation.
hoping for a better and brighter future everyday
unsure what I want to be when I grow big
very passionate about kids and animals. anytime they are hurt or neglected it breaks my heart.

I am also:
broken
insecure
anxious
worried about the future
dreading my next surgery
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often.
a girl who cries herself to sleep quite often over the hate in the world. and the fact that people are so unaccepting.
unable to completely ever accept myself.
confused why people leave so much.
confused why people pretend to be my friend for whatever reason.
tired.

But I do know one thing
confidence can take you when nerves try to shake you from going all the way

24

Happy Birthday Sarah.

The more I learn and know about you the more I wish I had known you better. Thank you for everything you ever did for Brian. Thank you for teaching him to let someone in, and to love someone.

You were beautiful together.

-Casey

lovely things and lovely days

Things I love:
Arizona Sunsets
Cuddling with a sleeping baby on my chest for 45 minutes (insert baby fever here)
Lovely new friends who are genuinely nice
Photo shoots
One Republic
My lovely baby cousin who isn't so much of a baby more an almost toddler
Family
Sprinkles cupcakes
New friendships, did I mention they are lovely inside and out
A certain boy who still gives me butterflies.
Love.
you!

On her way.

I feel like I could type and type and type,
or write and write and write and fill pages and pages,
with thoughts and feelings that are going 7 million different ways.
None of it makes any sense to me, so I'm sure it wont make any sense to you.

I can't even slow my mind down enough to figure out what I want to say.
The one thing that doesn't change is my Love for Brian.


I woke up at 4:30am crying.
I should have known how this day would go.
However I think that today is the first day I allowed myself to feel anything since December 16th.
I am emotionally drained at this point.
But I suppose that I did this all to myself.
I was so tired of everything that I just pushed it as far away as possible.
Only problem with that is that I don't have a whole lot anything to bury myself into right now to distract myself.
I just decided to pretend that I was okay with everything and that some day I would just forget everything I pushed away.
Now its creeping back up on me, and things that normally don't bother me, cause me to break down.

Instead of just stuffing it away today I let it wash over me.
I cried and cried and cried, until I didn't think that I could cry anymore.
I talked to Brian.
I talked to my mom.
And I cried and cried and cried.

I want to start my family.
I want my babies now.
I know it will happen but I just can't sit here and pretend that it is all okay anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way.
I am jealous of everyone I know having babies.
I am so sad and happy and a whole mess of other emotions for all of my friends.
I've tried to keep it together. I've tried to remind myself that one day I will have my perfect little family.
One day I will have a house full of toys, a couple of beautiful children underfoot.
That will happen.
But I wont lie and say that every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy or go into labor and have there babies, I don't feel any sadness or pain or that little empty spot in my heart ache for what they have.

I need to let myself cry and work through these emotions.
This will all make me stronger.
But right now I am feeling a little weak.

Natalie recommended a beautiful song by Shelly Fraley called "on her way"
It's pretty much my life story in a 3 minute song. And I definately think that her taste in music makes me like her just a little more..

P.S. I love new friendships

P.P.S I love my man.

On Her Way

Found out my dad has to have a full cardiac work up tomorrow.
I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me.

One Tree Hill always finds a way to make me cry.
Brian thinks it's silly.
I cry at everything.
Maybe because I have a hard time being vulnerable about the important things.

I need a new dress for family brunch on Saturday.

18 days.

Returning the smile you have had from the start

I woke up this morning 15 minutes before we had to leave for my Dr.s appointment. Something about getting up out of my wonderfully comfortable bed to get shots in my neck from the worlds largest needle is so unappealing.

We got Burger King for breakfast because despite my efforts to kick the fast food habit, we had no food in the house and I have to eat before I go. Did I mention my doctor is a naturopath? He would be so disappointed in me.

Today I am rocking the messy, unwashed, up in a half cute bun hair style. And I could care less.

I also joked with Brian that I am bringing back the 80's with my off the shoulder sweater and a tank top underneath.

In reality for the first time in a long time I feel beautiful.

Maybe messy hair, skinny jeans, sweaters and boots are what makes me most comfortable.

I told Brian that I am having a secret love affair with Michael Grubbs.

If you don't know who that is you need to find out because your life will not be complete without some Wakey!Wakey! on your Ipod.

He laughed because he knows him as the bartender on One Tree Hill. He thought his first name was Grubbs, which would be one of the most amazing things ever. He is also completely envious of his piano skills. Which made me laugh. (however I am completely envious of that as well, just don't tell him that!)

It's not hard to win over my heart. I am a sucker for musicians especially ones who play the piano.

But in reality my heart belongs to Brian. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I finally made our reservations to go to San Diego over spring break. 3 days in California is much needed right now, we are staying in a hotel right next to the beach. I'm in love already!

Today I should be cleaning my desk, the kitchen counter, doing countless loads of laundry, finding a class to start at Rio in the next few weeks, working on some of my stuff I plan to sell on Etsy. Yet here I sit, listening to music, dreaming about our trip. I will save all these chores for another day because Brian is busy all weekend and I will need things to do.

I miss the days when life wasn't so crazy. When we would just lay in bed and cuddle for hours because we could. Because there was the time for that. Now life is full of work and school and grown up things.

When life is full of work and school and grown up things, it makes me increasingly restless.
It makes me want to lay in bed and watch movies all day.
Or go outside and blow bubbles for hours.
Or dress up and go on a date for no other reason then to have some time for just us. No distractions or interruptions.
Or have tickle fights, that turn into wrestling matches, that result in one of us getting hurt. Not seriously, just the kind of hurt that a kiss will make all better.
Or go out and by a hammock and lay outside and take pictures of my surroundings.

But I have been dealing with grown up things since I was 10, it's no stranger to me.

Did I ever tell you how much I love him?
That I get lost in his blue eyes, and gorgeous smile.
That his laugh is my favorite sound.
That our hands fit perfectly together.
That 4 years later I still get butterflies when I see him.
That he changed my life in so many ways for the better.
That he makes me feel beautiful.
That he loves the giant ugly scar on my chest, even though people stare at it, and make rude comments about it.
That he yells at people who say mean things to me when we park in handicap spots because I have a hanger and am not parking there because I am lazy.


I want to make an epic mix for our drive to California. So I am requesting that you comment with your favorite songs, artists, albums, whatever it is I want it.

P.S. anyone want to be friends?!